When Mom Loses It: The SIBLING RIVALRY!

Tuesday June 24, 2014 

I heard that too familiar sound again…boys bickering in the living room.

Chances are you’ve heard it, too.

And what’s the fighting about?

Probably something that’s not too important in your world, but it’s obviously at the top of a boy’s list.

Summer is so nice – having no school schedule, time together. But sometimes that can lead to too much togetherness. Toes get stepped on, tempers flare, brothers bicker.

What to do? Here are some of my favorite strategies.

• “Divide and Conquer.” Just get them doing something different—apart for a few minutes. Change the focus. 

• More Mom Time. If you look and listen closely, you may be able to figure out that one of the boys just needs a little more Mom Time. Sit down and play cars with him, read a book, do something with just one for a minute. 

• Time to Talk. You may just need to talk it out. Let the boys have a say; try to find out what’s really going on. They’ll feel better that they had a hearing, and you may learn something new! Teach them a new negotiating skill. Rock Paper Scissors is a big hit at our house. Once in a while, I even hear our adult sons say, “Okay, let’s settle this. Rock Paper Scissors.” It’s kind of like flipping a coin, but much more fun. And for some fun, you can even learn the game by pitting yourself against a computer here. 

The boys’ battleground can be disheartening for a mom. I’ve always said, “I don’t want anyone to hurt one of my sons – especially another one of my boys!”

But it’s important to remember that all our boys’ experiences are training for the larger picture of life. These are teachable moments that can help our boys learn about conflict management. They’ll need those lessons long after they step out from under our roof.

Proverbs 17:17 tells us, “A friend loves at all time, and a brother is born for adversity.” I know that’s what I want – brothers that will be there for each other in good times and bad. But that doesn’t happen magically; we have to train them toward that.

Don’t give up, Mom. We all endure those times of sibling rivalry, and they can light a mom’s angst if we’re not careful.

Instead, take a moment. Delve a bit deeper.
De-escalate by talking, playing, teaching. 

Turn them into teachable moments, and you’ll all be happier.

Step Outside the Me Zone

Wednesday June 19, 2013

To me, summer = freedom.

No daily schedule, no homework, no deadlines for the kids.

But that can get old pretty quick.

In fact, it can degenerate into a total Me Fest.

Time for me! Let’s do what I want to do!

And with a couple of kids in the mix, they rarely want to do the same thing and then…. yes, sibling rivalry rears its ugly head.

One distraction from the Me Obsession that so often leads to sibling rivalry is to get the kids on the same team, working toward the same goal.

I found an awesome link that can help you do just that:
100 Ways to Give Back over Summer Break.

It’s quite a list, but don’t let that discourage you. Start small. Choose one thing for this week. Or pick five and have the family vote on one. Then add more activities as you go along.

Step outside the Me Zone with your kids this summer – find a way to give back.

Linking up with Beth for Wedded Wednesday.

Photo credit

Why can't we all just get along?

Wednesday January 9, 2013

That familiar question flashed through my mind as I settled what seemed like the fiftieth dispute of the morning. Surrounded by bickering boys, I wondered if they'd EVER get along.

Was the argument important? I certainly didn't think so. Looking back, so many of those insignificant conflicts were teaching moments. And I tried to teach important lessons.

Did it work? Well, I won't take credit. I say it's by the grace of God that the brother bond is strong now. Oh, sure they disagree. They kid each other over PC vs. Mac, "i" vs. Droid...and sometimes one will say, "I'm tired of that. It's funny the first time but not anymore. Back off, okay?" It's neat to watch the other respond with, "Sorry, bro. I was just kidding. Didn't realize it bothered you." And they move on.

I pray that sticks, all throughout life.

What can a mom do to help that process, to strengthen the bond between siblings? I humbly offer some suggestions today over at The MOB Society, where I write for the moms of boys.

I'd love to hear what you think.

What worked for you and your siblings -- or you and your kids?

Sibling Rivalry!

Tuesday July 24, 2012



It can drive a boy mom crazy.

With a passel of boys in the house, the potential for a good breakout of sibling rivalry is always there. Especially in the long days of summer.

Looking for some practical hints to help you deal with sibling rivalry?

I'm posting over at The MOB Society -- a special place for mothers of boys. (Have a girl or two? These suggestions work for boys and girls!)

Come on over and the MOB Society for more on dealing with sibling rivalry!

Teaching our Kids to Love Each Other

Thursday February 17, 2010

Sibling rivalry – the bane of a mom’s existence. I’m sure it’s bad no matter what the combination, but when you have a bunch of boys, there’s potential for quite a ruckus.

So how do we teach our boys to love each other?

Research suggests that family provides the best safety net, even later in life. How do we raise our boys so they can be that net for each other?

To read more, click on over to the Mother of Boys Society. I'm writing there today.

Book Sets Off a Firestorm (in my family, that is)

Wednesday September 8, 2010

My family has been so supportive and encouraging throughout this whole process. No one in the family “proofed” however, so the contents of the book are news to most of them.

Several of my sons are reading the book now, a chapter now and then in the middle of college and other things. Apparently my oldest read chapter 2 the other day – “The Magnet Syndrome (aka Sibling Rivalry)”.

One of my hints for equalizing sibling rivalry is to give everyone a chance to lead at something. You can replace sibling rivalry with a sense of leadership and accomplishment when everyone has a chance to lead. Even if the basketball goal is too high for the youngest, find something he excels at and get everyone involved.

In chapter 2, I make the statement, “To this day, our youngest has a Monopoly strategy that puts the others under the table. They complain, but it’s great to see him beat the brother who’s nine years older!”

Out of the blue the other day, I got a text from the brother who’s nine years older. It read simply:

Page 37. He doesn’t have a “strategy” – it’s called cheating. You need to call a spade a spade, Mom. :-)

I had to laugh. Especially since this is rooted in the topic of the very chapter he was reading about – sibling rivalry!

It wasn’t really a firestorm ... more like a tempest in a teapot, but it made me laugh!

The Magnet Syndrome (aka Sibling Rivalry): Welcome to My Book

Wednesday July 28, 2010

I have to give my husband credit for the title of my second chapter – The Magnet Syndrome (aka Sibling Rivalry).

One day we sat and watched as our four boys’ version of WWF broke out in the family room. Just before we sprang to action, my husband said, “They’re like magnets. They push, they pull, they shove, they hang on.”

Have you ever held a pair of magnets close together, then turned them over and tried the same thing? They attract, they repel. And that’s what happens with multiple boys. Hands on – hands off. They hang on, they push, they wrestle. Just like a couple of magnets.

Yes, I know – girls touch, too. But it’s different. I’m not saying they can’t get physical, but I’d venture to say nothing tops the physicality of two or three or four boys. And sibling rivalry is often wrapped up in the magnet syndrome. Sibling rivalry, the bane of mothers of boys and girls alike.

How to overcome it? First, realize it’s never totally conquered. Famous pediatrician Berry Brazelton said, “You can’t expect the conflict to go away. Ever.” So we have to learn how to deal with it.

This chapter discusses the roots of sibling rivalry and gives plenty of practical suggestions for all ages, all genders. Since we can’t totally avoid it, we moms may as well use it to our advantage. This chapter reveals how teachable sibling moments can teach conflict resolution and build the family team.

This chapter introduces what I call the “boys plus” household – the family that has a girl or two among the boys. The boys plus mom will find information and suggestions tailored to her situation. There’s no magic bullet, but there’s a smorgasbord of suggestions to choose from. Use what works!

Curious about chapter three? Next Wednesday I’ll sample Intentional Parenting. Don’t let parenting just happen – be intentional. Come back next Wednesday to get a preview.

Sibling Rivalry Springs Up!

Tuesday March 23, 2010

I figured this was probably a good time to talk about sibling rivalry. After all, it’s probably Spring Break at your house or it will be soon, and the kids are thrown together all day, every day, for a lot of hours.

So, I figure sibling rivalry is probably rearing its ugly head.

What to do?

There’s an entire chapter on it in my book (due out August 31st), but let me just throw three quick hints out there that may give you a bit of relief.

The first I call Divide and Conquer.

Nothing quelches sibling rivalry like separation. But make it FUN separation! The tub was always a wonderful distraction for my boys, and I’d put one in the tub with toys while the other played cars in the hallway. I could sit halfway between the two and supervise all the activity. Instead of relegating them to their corners, chairs, or rooms, come up with two separate fun activities for them.

Sometimes this leads to my second suggestion, a Team Effort. (Often when you separate them, they WANT to be together!)

Come up with a quick competition that pits you against the two (or more) of them! “I’ll bet you guys can’t put pick up those blocks before Mom finishes loading the dishwasher.” Teamwork, theirs against Mom, may give them a different perspective. If competition of any kind leads to struggles, as it often can, propose a creative project for all of you. “Let’s make Dad a big ‘Welcome Home from Work’ banner for the front door.” Everybody takes a section and goes to work.

And my last suggestion – A Little More Love.

Much of sibling rivalry is a cry for attention. Usually, the kids want more of YOU – more positive strokes, more attention, more love. Does one of yours seem to be the instigator of the rivalry lately? Choose that one, and find a way to lavish a little more attention on him or her. Be discreet, but whisper how great he is to him, draw a smiley face on the page she’s coloring, leave an “anonymous” note on her pillow. Don’t draw the ire of the other kids, but just find a way to send a little more love in that direction.

For more on sibling rivalry between brothers, check out The Boy Mom Life page above.

We’ve all been there, so ask a friend what works for her. Choose one idea and give it a try.

Here’s to peace during Spring Break and beyond,

Sibling Rivalry -- Among Brothers!

Brothers fight, they tussle, they push, they shove. Sometimes you wonder if they’ll ever get along.

Then you think fifty years ahead. Will they get along as adults? Sibling rivalry can seem like a nightmare, but a recent study offers a bit of hope for future family relationships.

A recent study states that in America, our circle of close confidants has shrunk significantly over the past two decades. Those surveyed said they have no one to discuss important issues with – in fact, the number of those without a confidant has more than doubled. Although the numbers for family and non-family confidants have both dropped, the drop in non-family ties was greater.

This study, a joint effort by Duke University sociologists and the University of Arizona, confirms what Robert D. Putnam outlines in his book, Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. While the collapse of social bonds is, obviously, bad news, the fact that most family ties have remained intact is encouraging.


We all need a safety net, and your boys can be that for each other. That may be hard to imagine today, but don’t despair. Keep trying to instill respect for each other in them. Don’t let them hurt each other – physically or emotionally. Treat them equally and fairly so they don’t compete for your affection and attention.

All you do today will strengthen that safety net of brothers.

So when they push and shove and tussle – throw them a rope!

Remind them they’re brothers.